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The Lie: Evolution
 

Creation


If it wasn’t so Funny I’d Cry

By Karl Priest April 8, 2009 (revised 4-23-17)

The first meeting in April (in honor of National Atheist day on the 1st) our local creation group does something to mock evolutionism. We have had a lot of fun. One good demo is the Hovind "Evolution of the Fork". Another is the evolution of nuts, bolts, washers, nails, and screws. How about smashing a wrist watch and asking someone to keep shaking the parts until it reassembles? Have someone shaking a box of puzzle pieces. Bring in a squashed bug and do a routine about everything being there except life. Use monkey puppets for some gags. Use cartoons on overheads transparencies or slides. There is all kinds of humor you can use if you start thinking about it.

Evolutionism needs to take the place of blondes and rednecks as a joke generator. Marshall Hall says the downfall of evolutionism will occur sooner when comedians start working on it. Some disapprove of this strategy, but keep in mine we are referring to hard core believers in evolutionism.

I was aboard a Navy ship a Polish shipmate kept me in stitches with what he called "Pollock" jokes. Since then I've met others of Polish heritage who always had a good one. Now, it's probably politically incorrect and has evolved into blond jokes. I had a brilliant 7th grade female student who liked to tell "man" jokes. Hey, being a man I have to admit my gender does some things that are great fodder for jokes. Reasonable people can draw the line short of being offensive.

Still, I think belief in evolution must become equated with belief in nonsense. If the public gets this mindset we won't have to fight the public school curriculum. There is an abundance of real science available--which is neglected due to lack of time--that teachers can use to fill any void left by decreasing evolution teaching time. Instead of fighting to overcome a student mindset of cynicism, teachers can give a limited lesson on evolution and refer the students to philosophy classes for a more detailed study.

I don't expect every creationist to embrace this strategy. We need people that are true scientists. We need people that are peacekeepers. It takes all personalities to have a vital impact for the Truth. However, there is a niche for those who approach things in an "in your face" way. There is a large percentage of the population who communicate that way. It's not hateful.

Along this line, I've been thinking about the current strategy by the Intelligent Design folks of "teaching evolution, warts and all." To me, a wart is a blemish on the human body. To refer to evolution in the aforementioned way is to place it on the level of the wonderfully designed human body and say it has a few blemishes. And, worse, let's leave them there. I think we need to push the analogy of evolution being a WART on the body of science. A wart is ugly and infectious and should be appropriately treated. One method is to apply heat. Humor could be that heat.

None of the following evolution jokes are original to me. You can adapt about any joke to fit, so have fun with your own.

HOW MANY EVOLUTIONISTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB? None. Given enough time, random processes will assemble a new bulb in the socket.

HOW MANY EVOLUTIONISTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB? Evolutionists have not yet evolved to that point.

WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN CHEMICALS IN A PRIMORDIAL SOUP EVOLVE INTO DARWINISTS? Soup to nuts.

WHY DID THE EVOLUTIONIST CROSS THE ROAD? He was recapitulating "life in the chicken stage."

CHARLES DARWIN WALKED INTO AN ELEGANT VICTORIAN RESTAURANT WITH A CHIMPANZEE.

THE MAITRE D' IMMEDIATELY PROTESTED. "SIR," HE SAID, "YOU CAN'T BRING THAT VILE, DISGUSTING BEAST IN HERE!" "IT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT, MY GOOD MAN" SAID DARWIN, "I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT CHIMPANZEES ARE VERY NEARLY HUMAN." WHAT DID THE MAITRE D' REPLY? "I'm not talking to you--I'm talking to the ape."

IF YOU WERE SENTENCED TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE ON A DESERT ISLAND, BUT COULD TAKE ANY OF CHARLES DARWIN'S BOOKS WITH YOU TO READ, WHAT SHOULD YOU TAKE? Poison.

Knock Knock. "WHO'S THERE?" Darwin. " DARWIN WHO?" That's what they'll be saying 50 years from now--Darwin WHO?

WHAT DID THE FAMOUS PALEOANTHROPOLOGIST SAY WHEN GRANT MONEY STARTED POURING IN? "I love Lucy."

DESCRIBE DR. DUANE GISH, AN AUSTRALOPITHECINE, AND CHARLES DARWIN. A champ, a chimp and a chump.

AFTER DARWIN DISCOVERED HE WAS EVOLVED FROM AN APE, HOW FREQUENTLY DID HE BATHE? He didn't bother taking baths--he used flea powder.

BESIDES LINKS, WHAT ELSE WAS DARWIN MISSING? His marbles.

IF SIX MONKEYS POKED RANDOMLY AT TYPEWRITERS FOR FIVE BILLION YEARS, WOULD THEY WRITE THE COMPLETE WORKS OF SHAKESPEARE? No, but they would write the lyrics to Tommy Roe's "Sweet Pea," the script for "Billy Jack," and the game-by-game strategy of the Chicago Cubs since 1909.

DESCRIBE THE STEP-BY-STEP EVOLUTION OF CHARLES DARWIN. Slime, cooties, sponge, anchovy, piranha, snake, weasel, skunk, jackass, swine, baboon, imbecile, Darwin

WHAT DOES DARWIN'S THEORY HAVE IN COMMON WITH INSECT-CONTAINING AMBER? They're both full of bugs and started by a sap.

WHAT KIND OF EVOLUTIONARY THEORY IS PUNCTUATED EQUILIBRIUM"? A fast one.

DARWIN 'S UNDERSTANDING OF BIOLOGY QUALIFIED HIM FOR WORK IN WHAT TYPE OF CELLS? Padded ones.

WHY DID DARWIN SAY MAN LOST HIS TAIL? He was out of his tree

Since evolution postulates that everything happens by chance, a group of prominent Darwinists decided to hold their annual convention in the banquet room of a Las Vegas casino. During the convention lunch, the casino provided entertainment in the form of a ventriloquist act. The ventriloquist happened to be a creationist, and he began making jokes about evolution through his wooden dummy. He told the one about the evolutionist and the farmer's daughter, the one about the evolutionist who gets shipwrecked on a desert island with a creationist, and many other jokes. The audience remained grim throughout. Undaunted, the ventriloquist proceeded. "Hey, Sammy," he said, "you wanna dig up some apemen skulls?" "Sure," said the dummy, "wait here while I get the paint and the tooth file." Finally, one professor could stand it no longer. He threw down his napkin, stood up and shouted: "Sir, I am sure I speak for all of us when I protest the insults you have heaped upon this distinguished body! Do you not know that there are PhDs here from Yale and Princeton? I myself am a professor of paleoanthropology at Harvard!" "In particular," the professor continued, "I resent your insinuations that we are doing a lot of guesswork when we say that man came from apes! Paleoanthropology is an exact science! Why, there is not a scholar in this room who could not instantly distinguish one type of fossil man from another! How dare you--a man of low and vulgar comedy--suggest that we are stupid! I will have you know, sir, that WE DARWINISTS ARE NOT STUPID!" "Well," said the ventriloquist sheepishly, "these are just jokes. They aren't meant to be taken seriously." "I'm not talking to you!" roared the professor. "I'm talking to that little twerp sitting on your knee!"

Some scientists decide that since they know how to do everything--create life--that God should be told to retire. God demurs so they challenge him to a contest. God starts by reaching down and; taking a handful of dirt, breathes into it, & a living creature emerges. The scientists think that's easy enough to match since living things are made up of the same elements as dirt, so one bends down to pick up a handful of dirt. "No, no" God interrupts. "You get your own dirt."

I saw an advertisement on TV last night from Kentucky Fried Chicken promoting a Big Bang sandwich!! It showed a couple guys pondering the start of the universe by a Big Bang, and then promo for this new sandwich called the Big Bang. I don't suppose the sandwich assembles itself in the fast food restaurant?!! Nor would an explosion in a KFC produce anything edible I'm sure! Can the steady state or plasma sandwiches be far behind? How about those who think that reality is an illusion? Do they pay their money and then pretend to eat a sandwich?

Q: WHAT WAS HOLDING THE THEORY OF DINOSAUR-TO-BIRD TOGETHER? A: Superglue.

Q: WHAT IS ARCHEORAPTOR LIONINGENIS' FAVORITE COUNTRY HIT SONG? A:"I Fall to Pieces" by Patsy Cline

Evo “Logic”: Define evolution as change, then call all change evolution, then accept any change as proof of evolution, then turn around and claim such change disproves creation. (Adapted from Evidence News 13/09 18th November 2009 – Darwin’s Glasses)

(I)f Darwinism is right, some of our ancestors had an evolutionary mutation that caused them to imagine that a spiritual dimension—including things like nobility—actually exist.

Since the illusion made them better at surviving and reproducing, the mutation passed from one generation to the next in a growing population of deluded ancestors, creatures who worked out their delusion in everything from poetry to painting to music.
(76)

This is what passes for scientific rationality in our age. But it isn’t hardnosed realism at all; it’s priggish dogmatism. It’s the man in the seat beside you at a Beethoven concert insisting that everything you’re hearing is only so many notes, which are only so many sound waves, which are only so many perturbations among so many gaseous molecules amidst the machinery of your ear drum, the whole experience a curious stew of physics and sexual selection working its soulless magic upon a delusional audience. The prig has talked all about the parts but has missed the whole, has missed the genius. (78)

(Jonathan Witt. Metamorphosis: The Case for Intelligent Design in a Chrysalis . Klinghoffer, David, ed. Seattle: Discovery Institute Press, 2011)

For some wonderful examples of statements made by Dr. Joseph Mastropaolo see “Joe’s Gems.”

For ROTFL videos watch Ian Juby’s rants on YouTube. Just search YouTube for “ CrEvo Rant”. I really like “Creationists R Smrt This is Genesis Week episode 11 season 4”. Or go to his website and laugh while you lounge.

For hilarious and insightful news review see Creation-Evolution Headlines.

Some great cartoons

Hitler and Evolution

The Lord shall laugh at him: for he seeth that his day is coming. Psalms 37:13

EVOLUTION IS A LIE!

Addendum

1. “This is how scientists get away with claims that evolution is essential to biology, and is supported by mountains of evidence.  Why, look at all the scientific papers and articles about it!  How can Darwin skeptics claim it is unscientific?  Well, we can, and we just showed you why.  Ask them for evidence supporting universal common ancestry of all life by unguided natural processes, and this is the kind of fluff you get.  They accuse their critics of being people of faith, but Darwinians are people of fluff.  Point that out to them, and they become people of froth.  There’s nothing as pitiable as people of froth supporting their fluff by faith.” (http://crev.info/2013/05/roach-bait-story-and-evolution/) I love this site!

2. Dabbling in factual fiction. It’s not plagiarization if it’s done for education.

Alice and Alec in Evolutionland where the classroom queen’s motto, “Off with their heads!”, means to make students stand on their heads and use mirrors to view science where they will see the fantastic creatures of the imagination believed in by the Mad Hatter (aka= Dr. Dawkins).
"The world is four billion point five four and one, five months and a day old."
"I can't believe that!" said Alice and Alec.
"Can't you?" Mad Hatter Dawkins said in a pitying tone. "Try again: draw a long breath, and shut your eyes."
Alice and Alec laughed. "There's no use trying," they said: "one can't believe impossible things."
"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said Mad Hatter Dawkins. "When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
"When I use a word, such as ‘evolution' Cheshire Cat (aka Bill Nye) said in rather a scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less."
"The question is," said Alice and Alec, "whether you can make words mean so many different things."
"The question is," said Bill (Cheshire Cat) Nye, "which is to be master— that's all."

3. Look and laugh at Evolution for Intellectuals.

4. Here is DISCLOUSURE of things evolutionists don’t want you to know.

5. The Wizard of Ooze (audio) transcript:  http://scienceagainstevolution.info/v5i7f.htm

6. Evolutionism fanatic Richard Dawkins believes in Space Aliens.

7. Atheism: “The belief that there was nothing and nothing happened to nothing and then nothing magically exploded for no reason, creating everything and then a bunch of everything magically rearranged itself for no reason whatsoever into self-replicating bits which then turned into dinosaurs. The Mona Lisa is the sum of water, carbon and random electrical impulses. What does the atheist offer in evidence of his position? Attacks on the Bible, Christian history, the various denominations, prayer and worship and history. His only defense is an attack. He cannot offer anything in support of his position except his own doubts. (This fits evolutionism too. Karl) https://www.raptureready.com/featured/kinsella/k9.html

8. Humorous Creation Website Questions and Answers

9. Time is a god of evolutionism. “Time is in fact the hero of the plot. Given so much time, the ‘impossible’ becomes possible, the possible probable, and the probable virtually certain. One has only to wait; time itself performs the miracles.” To invoke chance as the origin of life represents a leap of faith so blind, and so unscientific, it exceeds the credulity of the wackiest cult on earth. “Miracle” is too gentle a word for an event that is inconceivably improbable. In any other case where a highly complex object is observed (such as a computer), chance would surely be rejected as a cause.
http://crev.info/2015/02/chance-evolutions-god/

10. When I hear/read True Believers in Evolutionism (TBEs) present “proof” of evolution I hear Twilight Zone music playing.

There is another dimension beyond that which is known to humanity. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and dark, between sanity and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fear of God and the summit of his understanding. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call Evolutionism. (apology to Rod Sterling)

Beam me up Scotty!

Do di do do, do di do do Do di do do, do di do do Do di do do, do di do do

11. Rib-tickling resources:

Darwin Dictionary

Baloney Detector

Darwin's Land of Make Believe

Evolutionary Science Fiction

DeBunked: There's No Evidence for God

Methinks This Robot Has Been, Like, Weaseled into a Darwinian Tale

12. Excerpts from a book review of C. S. Lewis: Anti-Darwinist:

(M)egalomaniacal TBE (True Believers in Evolutionism) villains … could easily be compared to General Zod in DC Comics. They maniacally screech, “Kneel before Zod!” Always defeated, yet ever trying to win by any vile means, TBEs definitely are comical. In fact, the series Infinite Earths is as believable as evolutionism on our unique earth. That said, like the imaginary Zod, TBEs cause a lot of havoc and harm.

13. Evident Creation (Lots of fun!)

14. Why Should Evolutionary Biology Be So Different?
(See the logic of evolutionism.
)

15. Evolution I can believe in: Minions are the numerous, fictional creatures that…are small, yellow, comical henchmen who wear overalls and goggles and have one or two eyes…(T)…desire above all else to serve the most terrible of villains…Minions have existed since the beginning of time, evolving from single-celled organisms into beings who exist only to serve history's most despicable masters
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minions_(Despicable_Me)

16. "Darwinists love just-so stories… The Maestro of Magic -- Natural Selection -- and His Sexy Assistant Any attribute that makes a creature faster, smarter, stronger, stealthier, sturdier, more efficient -- there's a Darwinian just-so story waiting in the wings involving an animal hero…sexual selection -- natural selection's winsome, whimsical, and wondrous assistant. Sexual selection…Together, natural and sexual selection can whip up a just-so story or any biological marvel you want to throw at them…. Darwinism is Like a Party Balloon -- Highly Flexible, and Mostly Empty…Darwinian just-so stories explain things hardly any better than a Rudyard Kipling tale about how the leopard got his spots or the camel his hump. "
http://www.evolutionnews.org/2016/09/brangelina_feve103177.html

17. Parodies of evolutionism (ROTFL)

18. The Darwin Hymnbook 

Snips:

GORY EVOLUTION
To the tune of “Battle Hymn of the Republic”

1. No eyes have seen the story of the origin of life,
It’s an empty speculation and the obstacles are rife;
But we must explain it somehow, ICR will give us strife–
’Tis ruthless marching on!

Chorus
Gory, gory evolution,
Gory, gory evolution,
Gory, gory evolution,
’Tis ruthless marching on!

-----------------------------------

Also see:

BWAH HAH HAH HAAAA!

Bugging TBEs (Evolutionism is Full of Bugs)